No More Arguments
Relationship articles on kentonwhitman.com are radical. They do not follow standard norms, because they approach things from a non-dualistic perspective, totally unlike our usual way of thinking.
There are some great sites helping people to manage relationship-oriented stress and frustration. On this site, you won’t learn about managing these issues. You’ll discover what lies at the root of the problem, so that you can dissolve the issues altogether.
How Not to Have Arguments in Your Relationships
You can count on one thing. If you’re going to try to solve a universal problem with dualistic methods, get ready to put in a ton of work. In fact, you might as well try to invent unmeltable ice cream. It would probably be easier.
On the other hand, the non-dualistic solution to any problem is elegant and simple. To show how, let’s tackle the issue of arguments.
Are Arguments Normal?
We’re all familiar with arguments, right? Whether it’s with our boss, spouse, child, or parent, arguments can be so pervasive that we start to think they’re normal! In fact, I remember reading a book on relationships only a few years ago. I can’t recall the name of the book, but it asserted that arguments are normal, and that they are an important method of ‘letting off steam’ in relationships.
This is the same attitude that claims stress and frustration are normal.
What do we benefit by calling these things ‘normal’? Perhaps a sense of comfort? Or an excuse to engage in these states more and more often?
What would life be like without arguments? It’s difficult to imagine, I know. But it’s also a real possibility. And it’s actually not as difficult as you’d think.
What Are Arguments?
Take the time to ask yourself that question. Your answer will probably be something like this –
“An argument is when two people disagree, and instead of compromising, they both begin to strongly defend their own view.”
Or, if you’re less diplomatic and perhaps more honest, your answer might be –
“An argument is when my boss/spouse/child/parent is being irrational and doesn’t agree with me.”
The problem with these definitions is that they are missing the whole point. And the point is that the problem has nothing to do with whose turn it was to do the dishes. It has to do with our whole way of seeing the world using the Standard Dualistic Model.
You see, our usual way of seeing the world is that we break up the world into imaginary bits. And we usually don’t give much thought to how we divide the world up. Especially when it comes to people.
Now, when I imagine that my wife is anything other than what she really is, I get into some problems.
What Is My Wife?
Who am I? Am I my accomplishments, titles, career, and interests? Is that me? Some inward searching will quickly show me that ‘me’ is actually something quite different. Words can’t describe it, but the best I can do is to say that ‘I’ am what’s going on right Now.
My wife is the same thing. If I look with perfect clarity, and don’t add on anything imaginary, I’ll see the true ‘Rebecca’. Which is this – ‘What is Manifesting right NOW’.
The Now is all that exists. Future and past are just thoughts I can think in my head. And the only time I can think those thoughts is Now. Anything I can really call ‘Rebecca’ is only what is right Now.
Everything else? Just my own imagination. But let’s say that I’m going to ignore reality, and make a definition for Rebecca. Let’s try. Since she has an almost photographic memory, I’ll use that for the definition.
Rebecca is a person who never forgets anything.
Now, watch carefully. This is sort of like a magic trick.
Rebecca and I are leaving the house for the weekend. We get in the car and have driven five miles down the road when Rebecca says, “Ooops! I forgot my Tibetan GojiBliss shampoo!”
I stop the car with an exasperated sigh. I turn around. I make a little remark about how she could have thought of that before we left. She snaps back. The argument begins!
What’s Really Going On?
Let’s try to see this perfectly clearly. If Rebecca is only What Is Manifesting Now, can she really mess up Rebecca-ness? Clearly not! The argument isn’t about her actions – it’s about my expectations! I expected her to remember everything. I wanted to have an uninterrupted travel. I think Tibetan GojiBliss shampoo is stupid. But do I say “Rebecca, I’ve disappointed myself by creating expectations?” No! I say “Rebecca, it’s your fault for forgetting that stupid shampoo!”
Then both of us get into a silly game of trying to defend our imaginary ego-selves, and that’s what we call an argument!
No Expectations?
We usually think that we need to expect things out of each other. Some couples even have lists of ‘duties’ on the refrigerators! This attitude is delivering a message.
People are generally untrustworthy.
Is this true? If we feel we need to expect certain behaviors out of our spouse, we’re affirming that we don’t trust them to manifest ‘correctly’. In other words, we get caught in the process of trying to change their Now-manifestation in order to make it accord with our ‘idea’ of who they are.
But guess what? People are fluid, organic things. They don’t correspond to cookie-cutter definitions. And if you do this to your spouse, you’re going to be sorely disappointed, because they will fail, again and again, to meet your expectations. If I were to word that more correctly, I would say that your expectations will fail to manifest, since it really has nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with your expectations.
Who Is Your Spouse?
This isn’t a stupid question. Because if you’re seeing expectations instead of your spouse’s Now-manifestation, you are never going to know your spouse. You’ll only know your expectations. Many couples have been together for decades, and they’ve never, once, actually perceived the other person. All they have ever seen are their ideas of that person, their expectations of that person.
This leads us to all manner of problems. Arguments are just part of it.
Deliciously Messy, Marvelously Simple
Really seeing your spouse is as difficult – and as easy – as really seeing anything. We constantly lay our symbols over reality, and since we forget that we do it, we start believing the symbols are real. Then we get into terrible messes as we try to get all the imaginary ‘things’ to line up.
They don’t line up, because the ‘things’ are just imaginary. The real world is deliciously messy, and marvelously simple. It’s just as it is, right Now. Don’t put any ‘becauses’ or ‘shoulds’ or ‘buts’ on it. Just, for a moment, see it as it is, right Now. It’s that simple.
Seeing things in that way, you won’t be able to get frustrated with people any more, because no matter what, people are manifesting Just As They Are.
Of course, our dualistic minds scream out in protest. How does this apply to children? Nations at war? Are we supposed to just let everyone do whatever they want and get away with it? Abolish law and order?
I’ll save those questions for a future article on perceived problems with non-dualism. But for now, realize that no one is abolishing laws, and nations are going to keep fighting their wars. For now.
But you? Do you have to follow those examples? Or can you try something else? If you find yourself getting into an argument with someone, take a moment to just see the person as they are, and notice that whenever you get frustrated with them, it has to do with your own feelings of how you want them to behave.
Would it be all that terrible if they just behaved as they are behaving? What good is it going to do you to get upset with them? Just seeing the situation is immensely liberating, and if you’re really seeing things as they are, you’ll also pleasantly discover that you’re perfectly capable of dealing with each situation you’re confronted with. Give it a try — you might just be amazed at how capable you are at dealing with life when you see it just as it is.
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December 24th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
yes, i came to this conclusion myself, although i find it easy to slip back into having unnoticed expectations again and even idealistic hopes for the future.
My question is, even being aware of your brewing reaction to an impending arguement… how do you disfuse your emotion when you are being verbally attacked? Remaining compassionate during a tirade of what seems to be an unprovoked assult is not something i seem to be able to remain consciously calm through. Although i suppose the famous saying goes “nobody does nothing for nothing..” correct…?
December 27th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Hello Darkwyntr,
It’s good to see someone delving into these articles — they are definitely a bit more ‘deep’ and radical than my usual writings. It’s fun to be able to dialog with someone about these! =)
Sometimes, as we develop more awareness, things can seem even more tortuous in our lives. Instead of being totally ‘lost’ in our emotions, we feel like we can watch them arise, but are helpless to control them.
Usually, if we look carefully, we’ll find that this feeling arises because we are actually still trying to apply control to the situation. A person yells, we observe our response, and see (with some amount of displeasure) that it’s anger brewing inside us. On some level we feel this is inappropriate (perhaps inappropriate for someone of our level of awareness), and thus we resist the brewing emotion.
If we can truly observe, we’ll not only be able to see our emotions brewing, but will be able to also see our subsequent reaction to the process — and eventually we’ll be able to observe how this resistance (however subtle it is), is actually fueling the emotional response.
In other words, we don’t need to rationalize another person’s behavior (or our own), but simply to turn our awareness to it. The first thing we see is the basic emotions. Then we’ll see the resistance to those emotions. The result is that we come to understand the very process by which our ‘negative’ emotions are created.
It’s really all about ourselves. If we’re trying to understand the other person, we’ll never really be able to. But if we can see our own emotions/reactions/etc. with perfect clarity, we’ll no longer be ‘lost’ in them, and that will allow us to see both ourselves and others with perfect compassion. Nothing is expected of anyone, and the miracle is that we then find ourselves able to see everyone ‘just as they are’. When someone is yelling at us, we can just see the four-limbed creature waving its arms and making all sorts of loud noises, and we can understand, first-hand, the non-dualistic nature of that person. We could say we understand their suffering, or we could say that we understand their perfect ‘god-nature’. Because when someone is yelling at us, they are displaying both and neither.
Situations like these are perfect learning opportunities for us. The yeller is a great teacher. They’re giving us a chance to see our reactions, and to see how we want to alter the person or the situation. And all we have to do is watch, and notice when we start to rationalize instead of just observe.
It’s difficult to believe that observation can be so powerful, but this is simply because even when we think we’re observing, we’re actually just doing more ‘framing’ of the world. It’s that pure observing where awakening lies, and where the magic really happens. =)
Hope this helps!
Sweetwater,
Kenton
December 29th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Hi Kenton,
Thanks very much for the response! You are right. I”m afraid i’m going to have to trust in the powers of observation on this one and see where it leads me. It is true that i have only been onserving to a certain point. Makes sense that this would be the reason that i have hit a brick wall.
Will keep your comments in mind the next time something arises. Will keep you posted.
Thanks heaps,
Darkwyntr