Have you ever noticed how we tend to be emotionally biased? Rebecca and I were talking about the subject of grumpiness the other day when we realized that we all tend to give undue attention to negative emotions.
Consider this. If you are in a grumpy mood, people will tend to remark on it. If they are offended by it, they may react by calling you a jerk. If they love you, they may gently ask ‘what’s wrong?’
And it’s not just grumpiness. If you are sad or angry or snappy, you’ll also tend to get these responses. ‘What’s wrong?’
The message here? Something is ‘wrong’ with us if we feel grumpy, sad, or angry.
But when we are happy, we don’t usually draw much attention. (Unless we’re really giddy.) If you come home from work and you’re in a decent mood, no one’s going to remark upon it. Being moderately happy is ‘normal’, and in general, it’s what’s expected of us.
Right Emotions, Wrong Emotions
The point here is that we’ve decided, as a culture and as individuals, what are ‘right’ emotions (a moderate level of happiness) and what are ‘wrong’ emotions (sadness, grumpiness, anger, etc.). In fact, we don’t even really approve of strong happy emotions. If someone is jumping around in excitement or is constantly giddy with happiness, we’ll tend to think something’s wrong with them, as well.
But isn’t life made all the richer by our emotions? After all, we enjoy movies and books when they ‘move’ us – when they make us laugh, cry, cling tensely to the edge of our seats, or even get angry. Why is it that we consider something ‘wrong’ when people are having these emotions in their regular lives?
As a caring person yourself, you probably have done this countless times when you see someone who is less than happy. You might put an arm around their shoulder and ask ‘what’s wrong?’ This comes from compassion, but it also carries a subtle message that the person should be ‘somehow else’. It’s that message, which most of us carry inside us, that creates the tension which in turn creates the negative emotions we believe we shouldn’t have. In other words, when we feed the idea that it’s not good to feel certain emotions, we create an inner conflict where our resistance to feeling makes us feel even worse.
Becoming a Connoisseur of Emotions
What would happen if, instead of asking ‘what’s wrong?’, we asked ‘what’s right?’ What would happen if we began internalizing a different message – the message that our emotions aren’t our enemies, but rather the herbs and spices that give extra flavor to the dinner of life?
After all, when we feel sadness itself, it’s not a negative emotion. It’s only when we think – “I shouldn’t feel sad!” that it takes on a bitter, heavy flavor. The emotion of anger isn’t bad either. It’s just when we think – “I shouldn’t feel angry!” that it consumes us.
Indeed, all of our emotions can be enjoyed, especially if we learn to taste them as connoisseurs. Most of us have grown up with a taste only for emotional candy, so it can take some time to develop broader tastes. But just as in food, where expanded tastes open new worlds of cuisine, if we take the time to taste our ‘negative’ emotions, we will find that they aren’t as terrible as we’ve been led to believe. And just as an appetite for a wide variety of foods is physically healthy, an appetite for a wide variety of emotions is mentally healthy.
What’s Right?
Next time you find yourself asking ‘what’s wrong’, change the question. What’s right is that you are experiencing whatever emotion you are experiencing – that emotion is right. We’ve all tried to fight and conquer our emotions, and we all know it doesn’t work. So what will happen if we instead stop and taste them?
Stuck in an emotional ‘steady state’, our life would become awfully dull and taste-less. But with our beautiful emotions, how rich and delicious it can be!
What I gather is that experiencing negative emotions is wrong…which is why we tend to ask “what’s wrong?”. But it just proves that going thru neg emo’s is unquestionably undesirable, so our asking “what’s wrong?” is actually right!! what made us snappy/ grumpy/ sad is wrong… there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with what keeps us smiling/ happy/ cheerful/ normal; it’s right. And there’s EVERYTHING wrong with what makes us sad/ grumpy/ angry…
Hello Buzz,
In my own experience, I’ve found that ‘negative emotions’ aren’t actually undesirable at all. It’s when we fight them and box them that they tend to escalate into our usual ideas of sadness or grumpiness. In other words, when these ‘negative emotions’ first arise, they are rather mild and quite interesting — but as soon as we resist them by deciding that they’re not good, they evolve into the clenched-up feelings that we are trying to avoid.
A Japanese friend of mine, long ago, told me of a word in his language for a sensation that we don’t really have in English. I can’t remember what the word was, but it described a feeling of longing, as if we were tasting the innocence of childhood once again. To my United Statsian ears, what he was describing sounded rather unpleasant. But he described it as a desirable emotion, often captured in sublime poetry. This was one of my first hints that ‘negative’ emotions might not be as horrible as we usually think. Since then, I’ve discovered that all sorts of sensations that we usually consider terrible (like standing barefoot in the snow) can become exhilarating and pleasant if we stop our clenching resistance. Emotions, physical sensations, and even the tastes of different foods — it’s amazing how rich the world is when we challenge our usual concepts of ‘comfort’.
Sweetwater,
Kenton
Please Give time to emotions
Emotions are not right or wrong : they happen like any bodily event, they express our reactions to the world around us. Very often I dont even recognise what my emotional state really is.
As a passerby I have found the best is first just to notice with a care “you seem cross, excited, sad,” etc. Then, give the person time to voice it, if they want to do so. Last, give them time again and listen without judging.
Nilane
Greetings Nicole,
To give people the space to feel without judging is a beautiful thing. Thanks for your comment, Nicole!
Sweetwater,
Kenton
Hi Kenny,
As always your posts are full og insights and you should know that I love reading your blog.
And I agree. We are who are and the feelings we have are the feelings we have. Let’s not resist them. However there’s another facet of this. Powerfull negative (and positive as well) emotions in fact arises due to specific interpretations of the world. Anger for instance because someone has overstepped your boundaries that you think shouldn’t do that.
Why don’t we get angry at the wind when cycling? Why don’t you get angry at the turkeys when they try to escape you? (Well maybe you do
Why do we then get angry at other people? Maybe because we attribute their behavior with intention, with wanting to hurt us – and we they shouldn’t want that!
So – when we’re angry I agree, let’s be angry. Trying to stop the anger usually means turning the energy towards ourselves (Retroflection). However, there’s still some interesting investigation to be done. Like “What do I have to tell myself to be true to feel like I do?”.
Let’s be Connoisseurs of emotions of the stories that create them.
The best,
Michael
Greetings Michael,
Very interesting to consider why we get angry at people, but not often at nature. Indeed, I recently wrote an article on this very subject — Why Do We Get Angry With People?
Of course, as you hinted, all of this gets thrown out the window when it comes to the turkeys, who are positively exasperating no matter how much you try to keep a pleasant frame of mind
Thanks so much for adding your insight, Michael! Adding our stories into the mix creates a whole new dimension to explore . . .
Sweetwater,
Kenton
[...] brings up some funny points about being happy and being sad, and suggests that we take a look at what’s right about our emotions rather than what’s wrong about [...]
Every emotion is an invitation to explore it’s source. I believe you are right when you say that resisting so called negative emotions will only sustain and possibly strengthen them. Being transparent to them not only allows them to dissipate, but proves they do not have power over us.
Absolutely, Eric. The power of allowing ourselves to experience life is nothing less than amazing =)
Sweetwater,
Kenton
Ok…I´m convinced now – you are a wise person and you do know what you´re talking about…
Haven´t read so many posts of yours yet..came from the middleway.net page – the unusuall way to put things put me of at first…wanting the traditional wise thingys I guess…
Thank you, and I´ll keep coming back to digg up some more gems…
Brilliant, genius, pure…and simple
Hello Peter!
Thanks for your words — in a way, it’s nice to hear when people don’t immediately find these writings digestible. I try to stay true to the nutrition, and sometimes that means forsaking a little of the extra sugar or salt =)
Sweetwater,
Kenton
Today I someone I knew was passing by and said hello to me in a cheerful tone. I said hello back with what they probably perceived to be a sullen face. “Are you not happy? You should be happy!” she said to me. I was reading your blog the other day and this entry immediately came to mind. Hmm, I should be happy? Really, should I? The expected moderately happy mood. That is all.
Crazy chips,
Leslie
P.S. I <3 you!
Hi Leslie,
Interesting exchange — and I’m glad that this article could relate so neatly to your experience! =)
Sweetwater,
Kenton