Being students of the human animal, Rebecca and I often make a habit of watching people’s behavior. Today, while coming out of the Health Care Center, we saw a very short woman using a walker, with two people helping on either side of her, as they all made their way toward their car.
As we came up behind them, something strange happened. The woman in the walker suddenly stopped, turned, and said ‘Hi’.
It was strange because it was very snowy and icy out, and as she was making her way along, her two helpers were both giving her verbal instructions. Everything was quite loud and distracting, with the crunching snow, urgent voices, and slippery ground. I doubt that I could have heard someone approaching from behind with all that distraction. But she did, well before we were abreast of her. And she stopped everyone’s action just so that she could greet us.
We’ve had a lot of experience with ‘developmentally disabled’ or ‘mentally challenged’ people. We get to hang out with them when we do some painting at the Health Care Center, and we’ve taught self-defense to ‘developmentally challenged’ teens. What’s always struck us as odd about these people is that they not really any more different from ‘normal’ people as one ‘normal person’ is from another ‘normal person.’
We humans are proud of our reputed intelligence. (Looking at our overall presence on this planet, one has to wonder if the word ‘intelligent’ can be intelligently applied to our species, but that’s another matter altogether.) Among humans, there are many types of intelligence represented. I’ve met people who are considered ‘brilliant’ (in regards to social accomplishment or formal education), but who are almost completely inept when it comes to interpersonal relationships. We might say that these people have a lot of ‘education intelligence’, or ‘scientific intelligence’, but are lacking in ‘relationship intelligence.’. Other people are highly creative, and others can concentrate on single tasks for prolonged periods. Others are intelligent when it comes to being happy. Some are intelligent when it comes to understanding animals.
The woman with the walker probably had more ‘perceptual intelligence’ than I do. She also had what we might call ‘interpersonal intelligence’ – the ability to stop everyone’s frantic need to ‘get somewhere’ in order to stop and say ‘hi’. Her rating in this category is probably better than 80% of the rest of the population.
And yet, almost anyone would look at her and call her ‘developmentally challenged’.
What do we mean by ‘challenged’? If we look carefully, we mean that it’s challenging for her to live up to our culture’s current standards for ‘normal intelligence’. I’m not sure about you, but if you step back and take a look, our culture’s standards for ‘normal intelligence’ include some pretty wacky, irrational, and downright destructive behavior. We can watch ‘normal’ people spend years destroying each other’s lives in a lawsuit, and we consider that ‘normal’. We see a woman who stops everything to greet a stranger, and call her ‘challenged.’
Maybe the ‘challenged’ people don’t have a problem at all. If they do, maybe it’s that our culture insists on letting them know (however compassionately we pretend to do it), that they are substandard in one category or another. If I take a look at my grade-school report cards, it’s pretty clear that I barely scraped by. My grades (marks) were atrocious, and I apparently spent a lot of time drawing dinosaurs and dragons instead of concentrating on math. I’m just guessing here, but I’ll bet if little Kenton was in school today, the teachers would be recommending Ritalin. Luckily, my parents supported my creativity, and the result is that I wasn’t told, as a child, that I was deficient. Perhaps, because of this, I was better able to grow into a creative, compassionate, and socially functional person.
This isn’t what we usually do with those who don’t meet our culture’s expectations. We let them gently know the ‘fact’ that they are ‘challenged’, and often fail to remind them that this isn’t a fact at all, but rather nothing more than a current cultural standard (and a pretty unexamined and screwy one, at that).
What would happen if we learned to recognize everyone’s unique intelligence? If instead of trying to shape minds into a standard mold, we celebrated people’s diversity? I know that I’ve met a lot of ‘challenged’ people who had a lot to teach me. What if we saw that we are all intelligent in many ways, and that all of us are mentally challenged in others?
We can do this with ourselves, as well. How much life energy do we spend trying to force our minds into the mold that we feel will be acceptable to our own standards? Whether it’s in the realm of emotional intelligence, spiritual intelligence, social intelligence, or educational intelligence, we often fight our whole lives to promote intelligence skills that aren’t strong within us, and to destroy intelligence skills which our culture says ‘aren’t worthwhile’.
What would you be like if you saw yourself as unique and beautiful the way you are, and sought ways to celebrate your own particular intelligence? It might make for a pretty amazing world.
Hi Kenton,
I recently wrote an email to a person who’s blog I read, about you and your blog. I told him I am hesitant to read your postings in all their brilliance with reports of your glowing life unless I am in the best possible frame of mind.
I find myself each time comparing, to what I see my life as, to what the reality of yours seems to be, if only through your own admission. The word idyllic comes to mind.
I read your article today. The word here that stood out for me was challenged. If only I could get myself to the place of knowing that maybe I am simply challenged in this life, things would go a bit smoother, maybe a lot smoother.
Not much different than what you describe on a more ‘global request’ scale.
Barbara
Dear Barbara,
Thank you for your heart-felt letter. One of the hazards of the writings here is that they can create something to which we can sometimes unfavorably compare our lives. Rebecca says to tell you that she is a case-study in this =) She has experienced what might be a similar sense of comparison.
When you perceive that another is living an idyllic life, it’s easy to compare. Why can’t my life be like that, we wonder? And any answer the seemingly idyllic person gives us simply provides us with another place where we can compare ourselves.
Your letter has actually inspired a new article, which I shall put up toward the middle or end of the week. I won’t say anything about it for the moment, but I will pre-thank you for the inspiration. =)
Sweetwater,
Kenton
Brilliant stuff Kenton. My dear sister is currently very upset because her two kids are not performing well enough in school. As in, they got decent / good grades, but not as high as she would like, and she’s been upset about it for weeks and weeks. Doesn’t matter what I say, she doesn’t listen.
I think she’s really killing their poor self esteem, and hurting herself unnecessarily, but ah well. I don’t know. Your article really cuts to the core of the issue, as always. If only everyone listened.
You pose a very interesting question: What if I acceped me as a wonderfully gifted, creative and altogether well adjusted human being?
That concept is a bit foreign to me as I have always strived to be something better – all the while missing out on what I am in the moment.
It is a bit crazy when you step back and see it for what it is. But then, isn’t this what society has molded us ‘normal’ folk to be? Something more? Something better? When do we reach our destination? The irony is that we only have to stop and realize that we were there all along. Life may be a journey but it is also an experience. If we miss out on the now we miss out on what matters most. We miss out on ourselves in an attempt to become someone else.
Kenton,
Awesome article as usual. The difference between being crazy in a world of sane people and being sane in a world of crazy people is just one of perspective.
I think we should all accept that we’re unusal, crazy and challenged on some level or another. It’s part of being human.
Hello Albert!
Yup. My advice is like a TV X-omatic. You know those little gizmos you wear on your wrist that give you a shock if you watch TV for more than 1/2 hour at a time? Everyone needs one, but no one buys it.
Okay, seriously though — it’s tough in the case of our children. Do we want what is best for them, or are we simply trying to fulfill our own expectations and desires through them? I’d love to see more schools which both challenged children, and also took the time to nurture their chosen skills.
Take one of the issues I often tacitly criticize on this site — playing video games. We might think some kid is wasting her time playing video games, but then she goes on to become a tournament champion or even to design games herself — making lots of money doing something she loves. This also applies to a child who is daydreaming, or passing notes, or drawing pictures. They’re not doing what we want them to do, but they are applying their energies to something — as wise teachers, perhaps we could find out what it is they are passionate about, and design a teaching program which would encourage them to creatively explore their talents.
Readers with a talent for irony may next ask me to rationalize the positive aspects of television watching
At any rate, we are putting a lot of faith in our fortune-telling abilities when we decide that a child’s interests are not worth nurturing.
Thanks much for your comment! =)
Kenton
Hello Jerry,
I don’t think I could have said this better.
“Life may be a journey, but it is also an experience”, you said. This is so important, as in the end, we see that life does indeed encompass both.
The danger of extolling the ‘Now’ is that people often think it means that they can’t engage in the journey half of life any more. What a shame to lose the fun and adventure of the journey! That you married the two is beautiful and appropriate. Thanks for pointing it out.
Sweetwater,
Kenton
Well said, Vitor.
Embracing our craziness, embracing our challenges — this is so liberating. In touch with these elements, we can stop trying so hard to always be something other than what we are. And then . . . wheee! Life is no longer a constant striving, but rather a constant immersion and passion.
Thanks much,
Kenton
I think what we mark as mentally retarded is when one such human can not function or survive in our society without considerable reliance on others. And so, it’s true, it’s by our standards of smart.
However, we can not mark off people who are so as merely “different-yet-gifted” because they do need help. A greater respect, understanding, maybe teaching would be useful. I was a friend with a kid who was rather, (by society’s definition…) retarded as a kid and so learned more. Almost everyone else I knew, however, rarely if ever met someone retarded and if they did avoided them.
It’s a mix and as often knowledge is power here.
A Story About a Little Box
Apparently, the small container did not bulge and had failed to call attention to itself while residing in the pocket of her tight blue jeans. For an instant, with a brief moment of concealed panic, Meaghan couldn’t recall if, while getting dressed that morning, she had brought it with her.
Trying not to call attention to herself while seated on the stage in front for all to see, she had slowly slid her hand down to her left front pocket softly touching the outside of her pants. Assured her surprise was safe; she was relieved and pleased to think about how, in just a few moments, such an unobtrusive little thing that once unleashed on the crowd
would affect such big change and bring happiness to everyone there.
Soon it would be her turn to speak. She had won the right to be there after being nominated by the other members of her group. The other days’ speakers had likewise been selected by their peers to speak to the crowd too.
Meaghan was the last speaker. She wasn’t nervous at all; just happy that in a moment she would be able to share something good, something happy with the rest of the crowd. All of the other speakers had spoken and none of them had a little box like hers….She thought it
was now up to her to make the day a memorable one for all.
Getting up to speak, Meaghan walked over to the microphone to address the annual conference for mentally challenged youth. She wasn’t nervous; she had her box with her…She looked out at the crowd, smiled and gave her speech, It was received with respectful applause;…then, thanking the audience, she reached into her pocket and took out the small, metal box…she called attention to it by raising it above her into the air for the crowd to see….
Meaghan proceeded to tell the crowd that her box contained all her savings over the past year. It contained her savings of all the love she had breathed into it and kept safe. Now she wanted everyone there to have it; to share in it…so, Meaghan opened the lid on the little box, took a deep breath and blew into it spreading her love dust around the room.
And, again that day, Meaghan smiled and the crowd erupted with loud, enthusiastic applause.
John Torcello
Thank you, John, for adding this story to the message here =)
Sweetwater,
Kenton